Jokes about Old Age

What's the most useless thing in Grandma's house?
Grandpa's thing.

The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Two old women were sitting on the bench talking, when one asked the other, "How's your
hubby holding up in bed these days?"
The second old lady replied, "He makes me feel like an exercise bike."
"How's that?"
"He climbs on and starts pumping away but we never get anywhere!"

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow
and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented. "Hardly worth going home, isn't it?"

The Government is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target
the elderly and make them think they will receive a large sum of money, but in reality they
never see any of it.The most popular of these scams is called SERPS.

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought
prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have
bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't
remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But.....Thank God, I still have my driver's license!

The doctor tells his patient: "Well I have good news and bad news..."
The patient says, "Lay it on me Doc. What's the bad news?"
"You have Alzheimer's disease."
"Good heavens! What's the good news?"
"You can go home and forget about it!"

A husband a wife were celebrating their 90th wedding anniversary, and the media was there to
document the occasion. One of the reporters asked the secret to their successful marriage
and longevity. The wife replied that they had never been sick.
The young reporter was astonished and to confirm said, "So, you've never been bedridden."
And the wife quickly replied, "Oh, 100's of times, and twice in a car."

A family was supposed to stay the night at a hotel, but there was a screw-up with the rooms,
so Grandpa had to sleep in the same bed as the 15-year old Grandson. In the middle of the
night Grandpa woke up and shouted: "Quick! Get me a woman! Fast!!"
The grandson moaned: "Please, Grandpa, calm down. First, its three o'clock in the morning,
and you'll never find a woman at this hour. Second, you're 82 years old, and third,
that's MY dick you're holding... not yours."

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office.
"Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think you're 'sex drive' is all in your head?"
"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man.
"That's why I want it lowered!"

An old man goes to the doctor to ask him an important question.
"Doctor, when I was in my 20's, it took both of my hands to push down my hard-on.
When I was in my 30's, it took one hand to push down my hard -on.
When I was in my 50's, it took three fingers to push down my hard-on.
Now that I'm in my 60's, it only takes one finger to push down on my hard-on!
So what I'm basically trying to ask you is?
Just how strong am I going to get?"

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.
One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of
the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and
can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood,"
as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Jack, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M1. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Jack, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests.
She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Harrods.
"Harrods!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Harrods?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

The Benefits of Old Age

Whilst there are some drawbacks associated with getting older - There are many benefits

• In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

• No one expects you to run into a burning building to rescue anyone.

• Things you buy now won't have time to wear out.

• You consider coffee one of the, most important things in life.

• You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

• You have a party and the neighbours don't even realise it.

• You no longer have to think of speed limits as a challenge.

• Selective hearing can be blamed on your age.

• You needn't bother trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

• Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

• Your ears are hairier than your head.

• Your eyes won't get much worse.

• Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

• Your supply of brain cells is finally, down to a manageable size.

• At your age the likelihood of peer pressure, is diminishing
   

Quotes about Old Age

Top 20 Quotes

1. "You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there."
George Burns

2. "He is alive, but only in the sense that he can't be legally buried."
Geoffrey Madan

3. "A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
Groucho Marx

4. "People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit."
George Burns

5. "I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
Bob Hope

6. "When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick."
George Burns

7. "I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet."
Rita Rudner

8. "I do wish I could tell you my age but it's impossible. It keeps changing all the time."
Greer Garson

9. "Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples."
George Burns

10. "Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate."
Woody Allen

11. "I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere."
George Burns

12. "Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did."
Robert Benchley

13. "Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the National Debt."
Herbert Hoover

14. "I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in it's holder is a thrill."
George Burns

15. "Sex at the age of eighty-four is a wonderful experience. Especially the one in the winter."
Milton Berle

16. "The secret of longevity is to keep breathing."
Sophie Tucker

17. "At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual."
Patrick Moore

18. "I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."
Woody Allen

19. "At my age flowers scare me."
George Burns

20. "My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping."
Rita Rudner

More...

• Grey hair is God's graffiti.
  Bill Cosby

• Old age is no place for sissies.
  Bette Davis

• Age is a question of mind over matter. - If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
  Satchel Paige

• Just remember, once you're over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.
  Charles Schulz

• "Don't worry about senility," my grandfather used to say. - "When it hits you, you won't know it."
  Bill Cosby

• Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
  Mark Twain

• Inside every seventy year old is a thirty five year old asking, "What happened?"
  Ann Landers

• The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
  Lucille Ball

• It's no longer a question of staying healthy. - It's a question of finding a sickness you like.
  Jackie Mason

• The tragedy of old age is not that one is old, but that one is young.
  Oscar Wilde

• The complete life, the perfect pattern, includes old age as well as youth and maturity. The beauty of the morning and the radiance of noon are good, but it would be a very silly person who drew the curtains and turned on the light in order to shut out the tranquillity of the evening. Old age has its pleasures, which, though different, are not less than the pleasures of youth.
  W. Somerset Maugham

• No man loves life like him that's growing old.
  Sophocles

• The old are in a second childhood.
  Aristophanes

• When we're young we have faith in what is seen, but when we're old we know that what is seen is traced in air and built on water.
  Maxwell Anderson

• I truly believe that age -- if you're healthy -- age is just a number.
  Hugh Hefner

• The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
  H.L. Mencken

• Old age is the most unexpected of all the things that can happen to a man.
  Leon Trotsky

• They only name things after you when you're dead or really old.
  George H.W. Bush

• When you get old, you can't talk to people because people snap at you.... That's why you become deaf, so you won't be able to hear people talking to you that way.
  Edward Ablee

• If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.
  Mickey Mantle

• I suppose I've grown old gracefully - 'gracefully' meaning I've stemmed the tide, but there's a leak in the dyke.
  Lucille Ball

• My grandmother's 90; she's dating a man 93. They never argue: they can't hear each other.
  Cathy Ladman

• Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.
  Joan Rivers

• He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.
  Milton Berle

• Women are not forgiven for ageing. Robert Redford's lines of distinction are my old-age wrinkles.
  Jane Fonda

Some of the tell tale signs that you might just not be as young as you once were...

• When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

• When your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.

• When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.

• When your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

• Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

• When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

• You and your teeth don't sleep together.

• Your back goes out more often than you do.

• You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.

• It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

• Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

• Happy hour is a nap.

• It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

• Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.

• The pharmacist has become you new best friend.

• It takes twice as long to look half as good.

• The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

• You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.

• You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.

• You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

• You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.

• You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

• You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.

• You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

• You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.

• Travelling is less fun because all the historical sites are younger than you are.

• Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.

• Your age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin box.

• If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.

• People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

• Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

• There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

• Your joints are more accurate than the Meteorological Office.

• In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

• You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

• You light the candles on your birthday cake, and somebody phones the fire brigade.

• Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and you're wearing a bikini.

• You start video taping daytime game shows.

• You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.

• At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatine is too tough.

• Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

• Conversations with people your own age often turn into "duelling ailments."

• It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

• You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

• You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."

• You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

• You look both ways before crossing a room.

• You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

• You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.

• You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.

• Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

• The clothes you've put away until they come back in fashion... come back in fashion.

• All of your favourite movies are now being shown on the telly.

• The car that you bought brand new becomes eligible for the London to Brighton Run.

• You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

• You are proud of your lawn mower.

• Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws. 

• You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

• You constantly talk about the price of petrol.

• You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

• People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" 

• You know what the word "equity" means.

• You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

• You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

• You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

• You can go bowling without drinking.

• You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.

• Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

• You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

• Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

• Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.

• Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.

• You look forward to a dull evening.

• Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

• You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

• You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.

• Now you've finally got your head together - your body is falling apart.

• You don't remember being absent minded.

• "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.

• Getting lucky means you are able to find your car in the parking lot.

• Tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet.
   

The Senior Citizen

Do not resent growing old - Many are denied the privilege.